Katniss's Lament
by mahjong90mulan
Summary: This my more in-depth version of what was going through her mind leading up to, as, and when she saw Peeta after his rescue. Reviews appreciated.


A moment is all it took. One singular moment for my whole being to be lifted from it's prior state of duress. My head turned as I watched Finnick and Annie's reunion. 'No one could doubt their love' I thought. No one had to tell one of them over and over that they did care, that they did love the other. No one had to try and drill it into their head it was just there, felt in the air around them. They were two halves of a whole, indivisible.

I remembered the events of that day. Haymitch was there trying to make me see that my attendance on District 13's rescue mission wasn't going to happen but even he knew I wouldn't be able to accept that, not outright and perhaps not even later. I was beyond using logic, beyond controlling my emotions or even appearing strong. I didn't care who saw me like this, my mother and sister were safe so who did I have to be strong for? The people? The Rebellion? How could I care about what they felt when I was here and Peeta could be dead or alive any moment from now? Did they get to him yet?

"Don't you see, Katniss, this will decide things. One way or the other. By the end of the day, they'll either be dead or with us. It's… it's more than we could hope for!" Finnick had said.

There was such a feeling of conflict rushing through me after he had said that. There was a certain appeal to the thought of this torment ending and then suddenly Haymitch was there with a distraction! A mission gave me something else to focus on. Something other then the haunting images of Peeta dying in just about every painful way imaginable that were playing through my head at the time. I had to pull it together focus. Get through the next few hours, give Coin something he won't be able to stop watching. I did the thing I dreaded, I opened up and not just to Gale or Cinna or even one person but I opened up to the camera, to all those people that would watch this broadcast- the ones that could never understand or even comprehend what was going through me, well, actually I didn't quite comprehend it either. My mind and emotions were not always ones known to corporate- and, I'm opening up to Snow because really perhaps as twisted as it seems he has gotten inside my head and seen something I don't. I remember hearing the echos of phrases in my mind. 'Tick tock goes the clock', the words of Hanging Tree, Gale and Peeta's voices in my mind. I tried to search my heart for something that could even resemble what Annie and Finnick have, even just a little sliver, but alas nothing is there, the only thing I feel 'creeping up on me' as Finnick had said about Annie was Snow. I knew that the boy with the bread was going to be a danger to me from the start. That's why I had distanced myself from him, or tried too. But no, that was impossible now; he held something over me, a power that I didn't like having control me to some extent but it wasn't something that would leave me. In some ways I selfishly wished for Peeta to be dead, that way we'd both be free of whatever this was. Finnick and I had tried to stay busy, we tied knots until are hands were raw but it didn't help. Then came word, they were back and we were needed in the hospital. I wanted to run, scream, shout, and cry all at once but then I suddenly realized Finnick seemed unable to move. I lead him like a child. I suddenly realized that his previous words to me when I was in the hospital about them being dead being perhaps better was easier to say then when not faced with the immediate reality that moving, stepping through that door would mean they would either be alive and dead. It was something final, something that couldn't be left to denial or erased with a drug-induced daze. Suddenly I feel like I can barely breathe as I'm leading him. Gale and Peeta could be dead, but if one or more of them are..

I'm brought out of my thoughts as I see him. Doctor's were around him and I'm suddenly aware that I'm not the first person he saw upon waking. I should of been, I wanted to be? I can't even contain my giddiness. He's here and alive. Gale was too but there was something about that moment that I caught that glimpse of blonde hair that literally took my breath away from me. What was I going to do? Say? Surely he'd be happy with anything, perhaps even just getting to touch me, hug me, kiss me. Suddenly our eyes connect there's something unreadable about it the look he's giving me. First it was just confusion and maybe just a flash of happiness but then that undeniably confusing, unreadable emotion. What was it? It had to be desire or something like that because he's moving toward me and I'm moving toward him. I open my arms expecting him to hug me or kiss me but suddenly I'm up against a wall with his hands around my neck. My eyes widen as I suddenly can't breathe and my eyes search his for some answer to this. How? Why? My mind is already setting distorted. Pain is the only thing I can feel but I'm quite sure it's not just physical as but emotional. Everything was leading to this moment. Hadn't I at one time wished Peeta hated me so that it would be easier to kill him? Maybe now he did? But how? How had.. Snow.

A moment is all it took. One singular moment for my whole being to be crushed and destroyed. No it was more then that, there were no discernible words to describe this. Peeta once would of followed me anywhere, done anything just to keep me alive and now I understood Joanna and Haymitch's words.

"But he knew he had no leverage against me."

"I have no one left."

I understand because suddenly I have no one left. Yes I have Prim, my mother, and Gale but Peeta is the one that annoyingly understands me and doesn't care that I'm selfish.

Peeta is the one that could take me out of the darkness of my own mind.

Peeta is the one that can being me back to reality and take me away from it.

Peeta's the one that can kiss me and make me want another.

Peeta's the one that one that's death would damage me beyond repair and...

I know now that in that moment the Peeta I once knew is gone.

He was left in that arena screaming out and trying to find me. And that's the moment my body stops fighting, the moment I give up and I fall into unconsciousness.


End file.
